Voldiegoldie's gone mad!
by Queen of the Scoubies
Summary: Not so deep inside the Forbidden Forest lie waiting for his lover is Voldemort, and who? And what is McGonagall doing with...? Is that Harry and Ginny behind a tree? 2 endings...choose your fav!
1. Chapter 1

Confidently walking between the large trees marking the start of the Forbidden Forest; Harry and his friends Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna and Neville screamed. Ron, the tallest of the six, cowardly ran behind Luna, who in turn crouched behind Neville (however this was not hard due to his large frame). Scuttling sideways like a crab, Neville tried to dive for cover behind Hermione who stood stubbornly trying to stare the eight-eyed creature who stood taller than the astronomy tower in the eye. Ginny dashed behind Harry, who also ran behind the closest and widest tree that he could find.

"Spider…BIG Spider …" Ron muttered incoherently behind Luna, Neville and Hermione, all who turned around to stare.

Stepping from in front of the small group, Hermione loudly exclaimed "He won't hurt you Ron. Spiders eat their food whole!" and walked over to pull Harry and Ginny behind the large oak that Harry had found. "Honestly, you two! We are in the middle of a crisis!" she tussed at them while she separated them.

"But, Mione! We don't need to be eaten yet! The spider has four of you to get through before he can eat us!" Harry complained to his best friend.

"Yeah, Hermione! Please don't let me die a virgin!" Ginny pleaded as she pulled at her arm.

"I'm not stupid or blind Ginny! I know that you are not a virgin! You seem to have forgotten last year. Do you need reminding, that I walked in with you and Michael Corner?" Hermione replied smugly as Ron's head popped out from behind Luna.

"Michael Corner? Michael-bloody-Corner? Please tell me that I heard that wrong. You, and Michael Corner?" Ron angrily yelled, suddenly forgetting about the spider looking down at him.

"Ron? Ron. The spider …" Ginny replied to her older brother, smiling as he crouched further behind Luna screaming.

"I do have a name you know!" shouted the spider angrily as five faces peered curiously at him (Ron was still hiding behind Luna). "BamBam, son of Aragog" he proudly told them only to receive blank looks of confusion, "What? Didn't you guys watch the Flintstones?"

"Honey! BamBam dearie, where are you? You can't hide from me forever, you sexy piece of spider!" and unknown voice filtered between the trees.

"Oh Shit! Hide me! He can not find me!" the spider cried, as he looked desperately for an escape, "Please, please help me!"

"What the – " Harry started as he painfully peeled himself away from Ginny's embrace, only to be interrupted by a thin, snake-like man running through the bushes and hugging BamBam's leg.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie. I'll never do it again. You know I have reflexes and occasionally kill people! You just have to forgive me!"

"VOLDEMORT!" Hermione and Harry yelled in unison as they slowly realised who it was, that was practically humping the spiders leg.

"Sweetie? Who are these people? Are they your friends?" Voldemort asked his hump-buddy and friendly turned around "Darlings, I'm Lord Voldiegoldie now! It has a much better ring to it!" humming, he started to sing, "Voldiegoldie, Voldiegoldie, you're my number one, Lord Vodiegollldddieeee! (this is the part where he goes unnaturally high-pitched, like someone is tightly squeezing his balls, and manages to crack Harry's glasses). No more mass-muggle-murders, just some spider looovvviiinggg. Voldiegoldie, Voldiegoldie, you're my number one, Lord Voldiegolllddieeee! (He is now blue in the face from screaming his name!)"

**Please review...let me know what you think...!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies.**


	2. Chapter 2

**And we continue...**

"Yeah, well…" Hermione said to no one in particular as Voldiegoldie finished his song about himself.

"Hmmm…" Harry replied to her in a similar sense of what-the-hell-is-going-on?

"So can we just establish the fact that you're not going to eat us, so Ron can stop sticking his face in my arse?" Luna asked BamBam very forwardly.

"Oh, no! I'm a vegetarian. Ever since I met Voldiegoldie, here, well yeah. I just can't bear the though of eating meat. It's just -" the gigantic, usually carnivorous spider replied, shuddering at the thought of eating Ron "– inhumane".

"Darhling! It's okay to come out from behind her then sweetie" Voldiegoldie walked towards Ron, swinging his thin bony hips.

"Get AWAY from me!" Ron yelled as he ran from behind Luna and dove behind Neville, who was currently staring with his mouth hanging open at BamBam, apparently unable to speak.

"Ronald, its okay darling. I promise you that BamBam won't hurt you. He loves me, not you sweetie" Vodiegolde said as he followed Ron around Neville, "Come here, you'll be fine!"

"It's not the bloody spider that I'm scared of at the moment. It's you, you FREAK!" Ron shouted at Voldiegoldie as he ran in the opposite direction.

"Ooh thanks for that Voldiegoldie! I was really getting sick of him feeling my arse when he was getting bored! Can we sing again? That was so much fun and you sound so good!" Luna happily told him with the intention of distraction him away from Ron who was eyeing off the exits very carefully.

"What shall we sing then? Mary had a little lamb? I haven't sung that for a whole hour". Voldiegoldie asked her, deeply concerned as it often hurt him to hurt.

"Yeah, I haven't sung that for ages!" Luna exclaimed, slightly surprised that he wanted too. "Everyone should join in! Harry, I'm sure that you'll know this, Hermione too!" she continued determined that she was not going to be the only one singing this horrible nursery rhyme.

"This is just going to be so fun! BamBam doesn't like singing songs with me!" Voldiegoldie told everyone making the spider he was humping again blush (Yes, spiders can blush, he turned bright pink!)

"Oh, um - " Harry started not sure whether to continue as Voldiegoldie beamed at him, showing the black rotten teeth residing in his mouth until Hermione sharply elbowed him, "I, um, Hermione and I, we ahhh, we don't know that rhyme" he said faking embarrassment.

"That's okay! Luna and I know it and we can sing extra loud to make up for you guys" Voldiegoldie replied brightly and then added, "You guys can starts us off!"

"Ahhh, okay then, lets go then" Harry said to Hermione and they both started to loudly count "One! Two! Three! Three and a half! Four! Four and a half! Four and three quarters! FIVE!"

"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow!" Luna and Voldiegoldie started to sing loudly, "Everywhere that Mary went, Mary went, Mary went, that little lamb would go!" they loudly completed their silly rhyme and immediately started again much to everyone's disappointment.

**Same message as last chapter...Please Review**

**Mwah **

**Queen of the Scoubies**


	3. Ending 1

**Okay, there are two endings for this story...let the first ending start!**

Five minutes later Voldiegoldie was still singing the rhyme loudly, but Luna had stopped. Harry and Ginny had resumed making-out behind the oak tree, Ron and Luna were behind another tree, Hermione and BamBam had stuffed their ears with tree leaves (or branches in BamBam's case), while Neville had sat dead smack in front of Voldiegoldie entranced by the very bad singing.

"MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB -" Voldiegoldie as 'singing' when a loud rustling interrupted him. "What was that? How dare they interrupt my wonderful singing?" he raged as the rustling came closer. It got closer and closer, until a small man wearing wizards robes and a small bowling hat jumped out, "Who is that?"

"What in the blazes is the meaning of this?" asked the small man gesturing towards Voldiegoldie who was hugging BamBam's leg crying. When nobody answered, he continued, "I am Professor Cornelius Fudge, headmaster of Hogwarts, school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and I demand an explanation!" he bellowed and peered at Voldiegoldie "Is THAT Voldemort?"

"MY FUCKING NAME IS VOLDIEGOLDIE! How many of you stupid wizards do I need to tell? It's NOT hard!" Voldiegoldie raged at fudge, who was backing away form the spitting creature, who had whipped out his wand, "Fucking hell! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"YOU did it again! Can you not go ONE-FUCKING-DAY without murdering one person? I NEVER want to fucking see you again! You told me YOU CHANGED!" BamBam started to scream at Voldiegoldie and shook him off his leg "NO! Voldiegoldie, NO MORE! I am sick of your shit!" he bellowed and stormed out of the clearing.

"BamBam, NO! I love you! Please don't leave me again. I'll find you! I always do!" Voldiegoldie pleaded with the gigantic spider, while running after his departing body, "I'm so sorry! I'll never do it again!"

"You always do it again Voldemort! YOU will NEVER change!" BamBam yelled over his shoulder.

"See what you people did! I should fucking kill you know! But I won't because my gorgeous BamBam won't like it. It will show him how much I love him!" Voldiegoldie yelled enraged at the six-faces before him that were only slightly paying attention.

"Voldiegoldie?" Hermione nervously asked, in between nervously biting her nails.

"WHAT?" Voldiegoldie bellowed at her.

"That's what made you change. You have feelings now" she continued.

"I just want my BamBam back" Voldiegoldie cried while hugging the nearest tree, "I miss him"

Suddenly another bout of loud rustling caught the attention of Voldiegoldie. This time a tall, thin and bony woman wearing a shiny green pointy hat emerged. "Mr Potter! Miss Weasley! Pull yourselves apart! Same for you two!" the woman commanded while pointing at the two couples.

"Sorry Professor McGonagall!" all six students murmured as they hung their heads in shame.

"WHAT is that?" she asked to group while pointing at the mass of fudge on the ground.

"The question should be 'Who is that?' and apparently that is the headmaster. I'm afraid that I didn't catch his name!" Voldiegoldie replied.

"Is he dead? Did you kill the headmaster? YOU have to be crazy!" screamed McGonagall.

"Um, yeah! That sounds about right!" Voldiegoldie happily exclaimed and started to sing as he walked away. "Voldiegoldie, Voldiegoldie, you're my number one, Voldiiieeegollldddieee. No more mass-muggle-murders, just some spider-loving (when I can find him!) . . ."

As Voldiegoldie started to fade into the distance, McGonagall started to laugh "What the hell was all that about?"

"Well . . ." all six students started until she interrupted

"Let's just forget this ever happened"

**That was the first ending...review and then read the second...Please!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


	4. Ending 2

** Let the second ending commence...!**

Five minutes later, Voldiegoldie and luna had gotten Harry and Hermione to join in their singing, "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB -" they sung, to be joined in by Neville, Ginny and Ron gradually "- LITTLE LAMB!"

Suddenly a loud rustling stopped the singing and started the obsessive staring. An ugly small man wearing a muggle suit and a bowling hat had jumped out of the bushes screaming, "WHAT is the meaning of this celebration? Let me join in. Hey! Aren't you Lord Voldemort?"

"Professor Fudge - ?" the six students started.

"My fucking name is LORD VOLDIEGOLDIE! Get it right you STUPID man!" Voldiegoldie exclaimed.

"Dude, man, 'Voldiegoldie', is that it? I am so much smarter thatn you. Remember when you killed Dumbledore? Yeah well, I am the NEW headmaster of Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry. So there!" Fudge stated smirking

"Fucking hell, you are so ANNOYING! AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldiegoldie replied to this.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Can you NOT go one day with out killing one person? YOU ARE TWISTED!" BamBam raged.

"Sweetie! You know I love you and he upset me! You know I have a short temper, BamBam darhling" Voldiegoldie cried as he latched onto BamBam's leg like a leech.

"I don't care, you PROMISED me you wouldn't do it again!" the large spider yelled as he shook Voldiegoldie off his leg and walked off.

"I'm sorry baby!" screamed Voldiegoldie as his hump-buddy walked off into the distance

However, instead of running off after his large hump-buddy, Voldiegoldie was distracted by a pretty, shiny, green hat moving towards them.

"Where's my Fudgie-poos? You are being a naughty boy, hiding from me! You know what happens when you're naughty!" screeched the all-too-familiar voice of the transfiguration teacher, Professor McGonagall.

"Quick! Hide!" whispered the six students, but were heard by the advancing green hat.

"POTTER! GRANGER! WEASLEY! LOVEGOOD! WEASELY! LONGBOTTOM! What are you doing out here? Have you seen the Headmaster?" the tall thin woman screeched at the blinking students, and then at the wanted villain, "HEY! Aren't you meant to be dead Voldemort?"

"Number ONE! My name is Voldiegoldie! Number TWO! My name is Voldiegoldie! Number THREE! Fudge is over there, he pissed me off!" Voldiegoldie bellowed at her.

"WHAT? YOU-KILLED-THE-BEST-FUCK-IVE-HAD-SINCE-YOU-KILLED-DUMBLEDORE?-YOU'VE-FUCKING-KILLED-EVERY-FUCKING-MAN-OR-WOMAN-OR-ANIMAL-THAT-I-HAVE-EVER-FUCKING-LOVED-OR-FUCKED!-EVEN-THAT-FUCKING-ONE-NIGHT-FUCKING-STAND-IN-FUCKIING-MEXICO!"

Bellowed Professor McGonagall, to the creature wiping spit off his face.

"Say it, don't spray it!" Voldiegoldie replied smiling at her contorted face, quickly turning a reddish-purplish colour.

By now most people would have run away screaming for their lives, however the six Hogwarts students hadn't. Instead; Harry and Ginny were standing with their mouths open, staring at them after rapidly separating, Hermione was whimpering "images!" while trying to scratch her eyeballs out, Neville had stuck both fingers in his ears and was yelling "LA LA LA, I CANT HEAR YOU!" over and over again, Ron was curled up in a ball rocking backwards and forwards apparently unable to speak, while Luna had a slightly uninterested expression on her face as she calmly said, "I always thought there was something between them".

"COME-HERE-YOU-FUCKING-FUCKETY-FUCK-WHO-KILLED-MY-FUCKING-MEN,-WOMEN-AND-ANIMALS.-I-FUCKING-HATE-YOU!" screamed professor McGonagall as she chased Voldiegoldie out of the clearing with her wand sparking.

"AAAAAHHHHH! BAMBAM! SAVE ME!" screamed Voldiegoldie as he ran with his arms windmilling and his hips swinging.

"We'll go back to school then!" brightly said Luna as she grabbed Ron, who grabbed Hermione, who grabbed Neville, who grabbed Ginny, who grabbed Harry, as they slowly made their way back to Hogwarts.

**Ahhh its the end now...review some more please and let me know what you thought!!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


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